Five Bathroom Blow Ups

It has been suggested that the average person will spend approximately 37% of their life in the bathroom. Actually, I just made that up, but I did check the stats just now and most estimates suggest around a year and a half. Still heaps. Anyway I just needed an excuse to segway into this post.

So here they are, five things that make me blow up in the bathroom:


Okay, I am opening with this one because it’s such a no-brainer yet so many people seem to get it wrong. It seems to me that there’s always one person in each household who commit the divorceable and unforgivable sin of squeezing the toothpaste from the middle or the top. Why?! Just why?! It makes no sense at all. Squeezing from the bottom not only allows you to get the maximum amount of toothpaste, but also makes it look mean as.


I understand that people want to keep bathrooms tidy. I do too. Tidy is good. Heck, I even clear my Snapchat feed every time I go on. But I do not agree with this idea that you should put everything away when you’re organizing your bathroom basin. I’m more or less (more) talking about toothpaste and toothbrushes. Why do they have to be put away? Do you not leave the toilet paper on the roller after using the toilet? Do you not leave your shampoo in the shower? So why put away the toothbrushes?


Many times I have entered a toilet and been heartbroken at the sight of a toilet roll incorrectly attached to the roller. Toilet paper must always be rolling over. There are many good reasons for this. First and foremost, why on earth would you make access to the paper harder? By going over, it’s way easier to grab (also prevents the dreaded wall touch – particularly significant for public toilet users). Also, rolling over means that the pattern of the paper is easier to see. This matters if you’re a consistent and methodical ripper like me.

By the way, I know some people have pets who go to town on over-rolled toilet paper. You had it coming for having a pet. Hopefully that will serve as a sign to you to get rid of your pet.


SIMPLE. If you finish the roll, then it is your responsibility (… or role) to replace the roll (refer to #3 to learn how). In the case of the awkward ‘pretty much used all of it, but if I leave it now then it looks like I’m being a scumbag and purposely not finishing it off just so I don’t have to replace the roll’ scenario, I suggest replacing it, and using the remaining toilet paper for wiping dust or picking up rogue body hairs on the floor.


Maybe this is the most obvious one. A smart man once said “if it’s yellow, let it mellow… if it’s brown, flush it down.” – normally I would agree with him on other things, but I want to revise his statement to “If it’s yellow, flush it down. If it’s brown, flush it down. Then stay to check that it has flushed down. If it hasn’t, then wait for the water to refill, then flush it down again.”

When did it become okay to leave your poos and wees on display for the next person to see?

Anyway, those are five of my biggest bathroom blow ups (that is of course unless I’ve got explosive diarrhoea- classy). What about you? Are you an over or under roller? Do you deserve to have the life squeezed out of you for squeezing from the middle? Leave a wee textcrement below – just remember to flush.

(Sorry about the puns)